Thoughts...

I close the browser, a remnant of a tear in my eye, why though, I'm not quite so sure. It was only a cartoon after all, not something someone should cry over, or is it? Worlds were shattered, lives changed, destroyed, built, lies made, covered, discovered, and rewritten, a sick, twisted play, yet sadly, palpable as truth, as something we all feel, fear it maybe, understand it, better still, but we all can feel it. Hatred overflowed from what I had watched, sadness had poured from it as well, love could be seen, when one watched close enough, and even new life could be seen, though just for a moment.

My eyes now shut, the tear stinging as it yearned to roll down my cheek, free from my eye, I tried to understand why I was feeling this way, why I felt like I could sit here, for hours, and just cry. "Why" I thought, "Why am I crying? Why do I feel that I have lost someone so close?" This feeling stabs through me, breaking my will, shattering my resolve to be... To be what?

The tear now gone, retreated from my eye, I understand, if only for a moment, why I have cried so, why I have felt such pain in my chest. Because I feel what I saw, I understood what was seen, and I could put myself in such a painful place as what I had watched. Solitude, loneliness, fear, and worry, a constant battle to be heard, and to feel anything, to feel... Alive.

~~~

The cold seared my face, biting it, the temperature; too cold. It had not even been ten minutes since I had sat here, typing, thinking, and who knows what else in the time it took me to write out my little thoughts. But I was outside now, still dark, the sun not even rising yet. I looked up, an icicle hung from edge of the roof, as I breathed I could see it sway back and forth from my breath. My feet beginning to feel the cold of the hard wood through my thin, black socks, socks I had been given not even a month ago as a way of saying, "we love you", yet that was just what I had finished thinking about, how it felt they didn't love me. The tear came back to my eye that I had pushed away moments before, that I hadn't let run down my face, and stain my desk, and once more, as if by a cruel irony, I felt it's sting once more.

I turned to walk farther, not wanting to walk through snow, I choose cold wood instead. Running my hand over the railing, I continued to think, holding back that tear, the pain stinging my eye, and my nose. I breathed deeply, the cold stung, a pain that felt welcomed. Looking out across the cold, dark yard, once covered in snow, long since turned to ice, I wondered what drove me on, what held me back. What pushed me forward to torture myself like this, but what forced me to hold back the pain? I leaned out, looking down at the last pieces of earth exposed at the edge of the snow, the patch of black, cold, hard earth staring back at me.

My mind still ran, my thoughts spilled over, not sure where to go with them, when to stop them, where to lead them. They revolved, spun around, twisted, turned, yet they always came back, back to one solitary point, myself, my feelings, where I was that very moment, and I realized what was on my mind, what had bothered me for even longer then just the moments before, and why I was able to say moments before that I could have cried for hours, and have that statement be true, I truly was lonely, in not only my life, my heart, but in what I wanted, and in what I yearned for, I was truly lonely. Turning to go inside once more, to warm hopefully more then just my hands, I felt the tear run down my cheek, slipping off of my chin as I turned, calling to the cold wood. I looked down, watching as the tear splashed against the wood, I saw as it turned to ice, peeling off the wood slightly, and turning once more, I felt a small piece of my heart do the same, flaking slightly under what I had felt.